sundance-communications.com Forums Member Forums Phone Booth Just for Jokester #11

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

For our Canuck friends up North...

Missing Wife...


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first. "The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her. "Stunned, the husband demanded,

"If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms , and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear, the Screaming MonsterRoller
Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate
shake..


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'
0A

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

We live in a retirement community and I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

And I say "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"

It's time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about. WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!

I finally figured it out

Bix tools scrape Ice better than 66 blades , no wonder you Guys like them

:rofl:

Great jokes guys. Keep 'em coming.

Jack

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."