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Since we have many thread's on jokes lets just post in one topic. So I'll I start with this one.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, so he falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.On the next attempt, the second guy finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a 'piñata'?"
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It was October and the Native Americans on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The chief has his people on the Reservation is collecting firewood like crazy."
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I thought this was kind of cute.. and thought since most here are guys over 30 with wives over 30, I thought this would help everyone appreciate their women a little more. (I'm not trying to start a male/female war... this is all in fun)
This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
• A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. • If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. • A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. • Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. • Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. • A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. • A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. • Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
-------------------- To Succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone. ..Reba McEntire Posts: 2200 | From: Fond du Lac, WI USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
-------------------- To Succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone. ..Reba McEntire Posts: 2200 | From: Fond du Lac, WI USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied ..... "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
-------------------- We need a Low Maximum tax, not a High Minimum wage. Posts: 1429 | From: PENSACOLA FLORIDA-U.S. | Registered: May 2003
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had Covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh S#@% !"
Only the states of Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Florida and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
-------------------- ATTITUDE: It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze. Posts: 870 | From: The Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field .... | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P Left inside main tire almost needs replacement S Almost replaced left inside main tire
P Something loose in cockpit S Something tightened in cockpit
P Dead bugs on windshield S Live bugs on back-order
P Suspected crack in windshield S Suspect you’re right
P Number 3 engine missing S Engine found on right wing after brief search
P Aircraft handles funny S Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious
P Target radar hums S Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P Mouse in cockpit S Cat installed
P A Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer S Took hammer away from midget
-------------------- To Succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone. ..Reba McEntire Posts: 2200 | From: Fond du Lac, WI USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
A blonde woman gets pulled over for doing 85 in a 25 mph zone. The cop asks her for her license and registration. She says, "License, what's that?" He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor." She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license. Then she asks what a registration is. He says, "It's probably in your glove box. Just open it and give me the papers inside." She does, so he returns to his car. He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was." The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors." The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants." The cop says, "No freakin' way!" The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it." So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants. The blonde woman says, "Another breathalyzer test? No problem, I pass these all the time .
-------------------- Let It Be , I live in a Yellow Submarine . SCCE Posts: 2061 | From: Sacramento,Ca | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!""Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
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One day a blonde decided she wanted to be a cop. She went to the police station and told the officer at front desk "I want to be a cop"
The officer behind the desk said "Ok, but you need to pass a test!!!"
"Ok" replied the blonde.
"Ok, what is 3 X 3?"
"Nine!!!" she replied
"Ok, what color is the sky?"
"Blue!!!!"
"Good. Who killed Abarham Lincoln?"
Confused, the blond said " I dont know"
So the cop told her "Go home and figure it out. When you know the answer come back and you will be a cop."
The blond ran home very happy. Once she got home, her friend asked her if she go the job and she replied, "Yes, and I am already on my first case!!!!"
Posts: 28 | From: Bristol, RI | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor."Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 pack of Bud 11 rasslin' tickets 10 tins of Copenhagen 9 years probation 8 table dancers 7 packs of Red Man 6 cans of Spam 5 flannel shirts 4 big mud tires 3 shotgun shells 2 huntin' dawgs and some parts to a Mustang GT.
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In a small Nevada town USA there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
-------------------- Michael Daniel Authorized SMB Avaya Business Partner
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